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A Vicious Cycle...

Well, the be all end all is that I'm having a lot of issues finding a woman. I'm in Ft Lauderdale so there's no lack of a gay scene, and there's pleeeennty of women around who are open about being either gay or friendly towards the idea of being with another woman. I'm not really a terribly shy person, I can strike up conversations with random strangers and be a very friendly and relaxed person no matter what. I've made quite a few gay male friends at the lesbian bar. I can meet and chat up women as platonic friends anywhere else! But I can't, absolutely cannot, flirt with women. I freeze up, I go stupid, I can't think of a damn thing to say or do and I feel terrified the whole time. I'm not even looking for a relationship or anything, I'd be happy with even just some brief somewhat close and personal attention for the night...never happens.

I know the inherent problem is that I have zero self-confidence when it comes to women. If I see a chick I'm interested in my thoughts just immediately go to "She's way too cute/interesting/charming/etc, she has so many better options than me." I can recognize that this is a stupid reflexive thought. But it's a self-fulfilling cycle. Women never approach me because I'm an unconfident lump, and I'm an unconfident lump because women never approach me. The times that I do get up the courage to show interest in other girls, I get shot down HARD (one girl flat-out told me that she was flattered but she had much cuter girls than me chasing after her already). Well I guess after experiences like that I've just lost all my courage and I end up looking like a blabbering tool.

I feel stuck, really stuck. I don't think I'm unattractive or anything to be honest, but deep in my soul I feel like there's something broken about me that women can sense which just instantly pushes them away into the friendzone. I honestly feel like I'll be in this rut for the rest of my life. Friends can't help...most of them are straight and their usual response is "Yeah wow that sounds pretty must be hard being a lesbian." Ugh. I just don't know what to do. There seems to be endless advice out there for straight guys who suffer from self-confidence issues, but there's jack crap out there for lesbians.

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You don't say how long this rut has lasted. But here is my advice: stop acting like you WANT a relationship. Your body language is probably telling other women that you are desperate.

Get your friends, gay or straight, to go out with you to a few bars, clubs and any other area gay women hang out. Let yourself be SEEN. Women will notice you are carrying on conversations and not "looking" to score. See if there is a woman you are interested in. Don't approach her. Just give her a look once or twice. Then go back the following week. Is she there? Is she with someone? Or just hanging with friends? Again, don't approach but this time give her a few glances and make eye contact and smile. The next time you go, it would be great if she WASN'T there. Then you would know she's not a bar person. The next week, if she's there, go ahead and chat her up if you believe she's just with friends.

I am so shy. Painfully shy. I've only told one woman in person, to her face, that I liked her. That relationship was my first and lasted 4 yrs. The one's inbetween I met ALL of them online (3) in chat rooms. My last one I first met online and invited her to join us as a group of us were going out (again, all friends I met online). She was young and I had no intentions of hitting on her or any of the other women. A friend of mine chatted her up and hollared at me that she had a crush on me. I knew she was embarrassed. I was embarrassed. But, that was the start of a 10 yr relationship with her. She loved that I was a confident woman. I liked that she was shy. Etc.

Sometimes it helps if a friend steps in and does the work!

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Hi drgreat, and all other readers. May I say, Yes, I know the feelin'.

So I went to the bookstore and pretended I was a shy horny guy for five minutes, and came away with a couple of books:

What Women Want Men to Know, by Barbara deAngelis, and Rules of the Game, by Neil Strauss.

Here are some other names: Slade Shaw, Susan Naylor. Their website is:

Yes these resources are for guys. But even though I could written deAngelis' book myself, it was still good to review.

I subscribed to Shaw's program, and I got several resources, including a really good one on self confidence.

Unless you or I or some other shy lesbian turned lothario writes one, I don't know if we're going to see any How to Get a Date books written by Lesbians on the mass market.

However, it did help me to step a little more in the guy's mindset, and reach it around my soft butch personality, so I could learn something new. Lesbians are also women! So it turns out, they mostly want the same thing from prospective dates/partners. This might me easier if you are looking for a femme woman.

As far as confidence, mine is not the best, but I fake it a lot. And really, no one knows the difference. Even if you don't think you're the best looking lesbian on the block, there are still things you can do to help yourself. I keep my nails buffed and short, I keep my hair trimmed, I keep my shoes shined. I make sure I look nice ALL THE TIME. And smell good.

Not just when I'm "going out."

You never know when yr going to run into someone you might find attractive, so I never look like a slob even in the grocery.

You could learn a little more about body language, and eye contact, and how important it is, and how to use it more effectively.

I practice with my friends. I don't exactly flirt with my friends, but I listen, I stay attentive, I'm affectionate and I am close, so they know that I care, and that I provide my "presence" to them. Their attention on me builds my self confidence.

I was recently told to "smile more," and that reallyl is important, too. If you're self conscious, you could talk with the dentist.

Maybe a counselor or therapist. Are you an introvert? I am too. Extraverts rule the world. So, this is a hard world for an introvert. But sometimes you'll meet an extravert who likes introverts. Just make sure that when you do talk, you have something interesting to say. Current events are good, but ppl, esp women like it if you compliment their hair, eyes, clothing, jewelry......"Gee you smell good," is always nice to hear.

Maybe going to a smaller venue than a large dance club would be easier at you have any nearby coffeehouses, vegan restaurants, gay churches, friends with house parties, etc where you could more easily meet ppl and start convos? How about karoake night? You could practice a song of yr own, or track down the last singer you liked and tell her how much you LOVE her voice.

Hope this helps. I found out millions of guys, even the rich good looking ones, have trouble approaching women and getting dates too.

Seems everyone wants to connect with someone. And fears rejection. It's just human. Don't beat yrself up too much OK?

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