Catherine

Bisexuality, Why Does Everyone Generalize Their Burns?

I am having some questions...and confusion really...I only just came out recently I identify as Lesbian. Although I wonder is it really that cut and dry? It's tough because It seems like bisexuals are not taken seriously or heavily avoided by many lesbians simply because at some point in time a "bicurious" individual messed with their heart and left them in the dust. I get that I really do, the last thing anyone wants is to date someone and then have them leave them for someone of another gender right? However....does that necessarily mean that all bisexuals are the same? I feel like its generalizing a personal experience which is entirely unfair and frankly discriminatory. The reason I feel unsure is because frankly when I was young hmm...I suppose it was in middle school..it was very black and white, either you were gay or you were straight there was no middle ground so to speak. And it was at that time that I was beginning to have less than plutonic feelings about women. BUT here is the catch.. I was also having attractions to boys..So I told myself, you can't be gay because you like men too. "you can't be gay if you like men". From that point on, until I came out, that I identified myself as straight solely on the fact that I could be sexually, emotionally, and relationally attracted to men. Because of this, I never allowed myself to act on my feelings towards women. My question to everyone on here is, just because you got burned by a women who was attracted to both men and women does that necessarily mean that all women who have those similar feelings will do the same thing? Would it not be safe to say that its a person by person thing? That perhaps a person who is attracted to both genders simply is just that, they look for the same qualities in a man that they do a woman? In addition to that, is it really that you think they are going to leave you for a man? or is it that you think they will leave you for another person? Couldn't it be equally as possible that a woman could leave a woman for another woman? Isn't it just a personality or monogamy issue and not having to do with orientation at all?

Please tell me what you all think 

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Very thought provoking post!

I may be completely off base here, but I think people tend to be more leary in general of people who are attracted to multiple genders. My ex explained it to me, very simply, that he had enough problems worrying about me being stolen away by another man, but having to also worry about me being stolen by a woman was just too much. It was really disappointing for me to hear, but I think that it is the case for more than just him.

No one should judge all bisexuals by a few bad eggs any more than you should judge all of any other social group by a few bad eggs. As for people deeming bisexual to be synonymous with bi-curious: I blame the bi-curious people who label themselves as bisexual! They are the misrepresentations here, not us. I have loved men, I have loved women. There was never a time in my life when I felt straight, and I shouldn't be deemed fake because some other people are fake.

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I agree with you Catherine. I think that people tend to take their past experiences to far into their future experiences. But not just women who have been burned by bisexual people. I think that it is healthier to move into a new relationship not thinking about the ex and what she may have done. Many people are very controlling and jealous in a new relationship because they have been cheated on in the past and I just don't think that it is fair to the new relationship. I always tell myself until that person acts in a way to give me reason to not trust them then I shouldn't assume they will act anything like another person you knew. So I say if you are interested in a bi chick and its fun then don't worry about if they are going back to men or not(unless its a preference thing, of course). If you have a connection with somebody and they feel it too they will stick around.

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Don't be hesitant as to how you identify yourself. I had the same problem too. If someone is going to judge you or say you are confused, oh well...really.

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Sexuality is fluid. And sometimes it is hard to tell if you're bisexual or lesbian. I wish people were less judgemental about it.

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It is normal to over lap catigories. we are not sorted into boxes, The idea that someone could 'steal' you away is bull--- faithful honest people can not be 'stolen away' ... the base of all these problem is feeling insecure... (maybe bevause they are not fully honest to start with)

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I am Pansexual (attracted to all genders).

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Geez I really am not into being judgemental about anything. Maybe cause i grew up a lot. Who knows but I know one thing that matters and that is whoever I love or loves me is fine with whatever they feel or do or believe in. I am not going to run off just because she might like other genders because she might be the best person that has come into my life. 

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Why would it be unfair to bisexuals for lesbians who've had (usually multiple) experiences of being left by bi partners who wanted to go back to the ease and security of heterosexual relationships not to wish to take that risk again? Why would another woman owe it to you to risk her heart because you want her to? Isn't that the sort of misogynistic attitude that men impose upon women who simply aren't interested in dating them for whatever reason? "I want you and if you're not interested, then you're a [your choice of b-word, including bigot]" Isn't that the same as heterosexual men accusing lesbians of being man-haters because we're not interested in sleeping with them? Why does a woman owe her heart and her body to anyone, male or female, just because they want her? And if there is not inherent danger in dating bisexuals, why bother worrying about lesbians who aren't interested, when there are so many bisexual women who, being bisexual themselves, should also have no problem dating another bisexual woman? 

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I've had very bad experiences with two girls who claimed they were bisexual. The first one claimed she'd been 'happily gay' until her current boyfriend came along...and she'd go on at length about how emotionally abusive and controlling he was and how she was essentially only living with him for free rent. She kept trying to persuade me to move up to Canada (where she lived) and talked about how we'd get married and adopt kids...and then she up and married her 'abusive' boyfriend, and didn't understand why I wasn't thrilled and brimming with happiness for her >__>;;

The second was my girlfriend of 3+ years who said she was bisexual too. But.....after I'd moved all the way up from North Carolina to Pennsylvania and was pretty much stranded up there without a car she dropped the little bombshell that she was REALLY 'bi-romantic asexual' (which means, as she tried to explain, that she's romantically attracted to men and women, but she doesn't want anyone to touch her.....ever. >_> ). Granted, I don't have a huge drive when it comes to that, but once in a blue moon would be nice....and she didn't even like people hugging her. I'm a cuddler dang it :(

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I started out as pansexual. I knew I was attracted  to literally everyone. Sexuality  is fluid though  and over time I've become more bisexual. I'm also polyamorus and understand  that with monogamy  it's a bit harder to deal with the fear of losing someone  you care about to someone  else.  All dynamics  have their issues though.  I think the main thing is remembering  to be open and honest about needs and wants to assure that the needs of all involved  are being met. 

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I dont think that a person should stick their heart out there and say ok here stomp on it but I do think that as a bisexual person that I have to change who and what i am for either sex. Its not fair that if I am attracted to a Lesbian that I should change being bi to be with her. I am bi but I identify with being mostly gay. And I have been dogged and put down by lesbians because I am not gay enough for them. I think everyone deserves a fair chance at winning someone and not have to worry about being pushed aside because of what we are.

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3 hours ago, Dabria said:

I dont think that a person should stick their heart out there and say ok here stomp on it but I do think that as a bisexual person that I have to change who and what i am for either sex. Its not fair that if I am attracted to a Lesbian that I should change being bi to be with her. I am bi but I identify with being mostly gay. And I have been dogged and put down by lesbians because I am not gay enough for them. I think everyone deserves a fair chance at winning someone and not have to worry about being pushed aside because of what we are.

Were these women asking you to change? To be gay/lesbian? If so, that really wasn't fair of them. You can't will yourself to be gay any more than gay people can will ourselves to be straight. Just be you and find a partner for whom bisexuality isn't an issue.

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Yes they wanted me to change and leave my husband and leave my kids. I finally got sick of it and broke it off. The selection here is really slim I am mostly gay but my husband is my best friend companion and confidant and the father of my children. I wont leave him for someone. I wish I could find someone who accepts me for what I am I would make them the happiest person in the world.

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Hm. Well, that doesn't sound so much like they were asking you not to be bisexual as much as they just didn't want to be your side chick.

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I understand that but where they made a mistake was asking me to leave my kids. That will never happen. 

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Wow, that's strange and totally unreasonable. I could understand a woman who loved you wanting to have a real relationship and share a life with you, but when kids are involved, usually people incorporate their needs, and both parents needs into future plans. It's so odd that these women wouldn't have simply been asking to build a life with you, while you and your children's father shared joint custody of your children.

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Has anyone met bisexual women who only want to date lesbians? I've come across this many times. I'd like some insight on this phenomenon.  I am a bisexual lesbian who doesn't date men because I've never been emotionally attracted to men. Being in a partnership with a cis man is not an option for me so I stopped dating men a long time ago.

I can definitely understand why lesbians would be insecure about dating bisexual women. Women can't compete with men and vice versa. This is the same reason that straight women discriminate against bisexual men. I understand that it's not a competition. Maybe lesbians think that if a woman is bisexual, a part of her will be unfulfilled in a lesbian relationship. This may be a stretch but this is the analogy that comes to mind as I'm a foodie ;). As an omnivore, I can enjoy a vegetarian or even a vegan meal. I could probably go without animal protein for an entire week but eventually I'm going to crave meat. (Pardon the pun) I imagine that many lesbians assume that bisexual women will always have that craving for a man. Obviously, it's not that simple. Just food for thought .. hehe.. Maybe I'm just hungry. I'm going to make a BLT.

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Sicca said:

Has anyone met bisexual women who only want to date lesbians? I've come across this many times. I'd like some insight on this phenomenon. 

I noticed this pattern, as well, both on this site and in life. I created a Topic about it on the discussion board (entitled "The Lesbian Allure", in the Water Cooler section), hoping someone could offer some insight as to why. Nothing, thus far.

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I think this is a very interesting thread... 

I have struggled with being bi from a very young age, even though I consider myself a lesbian now, and cannot imagine finding a man that I would even be interested in. I knew from a very young age that I liked women, but was also told that I was supposed to like men. I was experimental with both. I've been in relationships with both men and women. I was married to a man for 17 years. 

I think the biggest thing about identifying as being bi is deciding exactly what that means to the individual. Bi encompasses the largest array of possibilities from a monogamous person going from one relationship to another with either a man or a woman, to a threesome, to someone that dates multiple people at the same time including men and women, to someone who likes to have group sex with multiple partners of both sexes. 

I think when you tell someone that you are bi, their minds start to race with all of the possibilities. Does she like men better? Does she like women better? Has she been with twice as many partners because there are twice as many options? Is she going to want me to have sex with someone else? Is she always going to have 2 relationships going at the same time, one with a man, and one with a woman? Does she expect to have a main squeeze with someone on the side? Am I the main squeeze? Am I the side action? If she's used to being with a man will she be happy with me? 

I think it makes people insecure because they interpret being bi as someone not being sure what they want. I think it's difficult for people that are only attracted to one sex to understand how someone can be attracted to both sexes. 

 

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All of that is very true. However, a

Catherine said:

I am having some questions...and confusion really...I only just came out recently I identify as Lesbian. Although I wonder is it really that cut and dry? It's tough because It seems like bisexuals are not taken seriously or heavily avoided by many lesbians simply because at some point in time a "bicurious" individual messed with their heart and left them in the dust. I get that I really do, the last thing anyone wants is to date someone and then have them leave them for someone of another gender right? However....does that necessarily mean that all bisexuals are the same? I feel like its generalizing a personal experience which is entirely unfair and frankly discriminatory. The reason I feel unsure is because frankly when I was young hmm...I suppose it was in middle school..it was very black and white, either you were gay or you were straight there was no middle ground so to speak. And it was at that time that I was beginning to have less than plutonic feelings about women. BUT here is the catch.. I was also having attractions to boys..So I told myself, you can't be gay because you like men too. "you can't be gay if you like men". From that point on, until I came out, that I identified myself as straight solely on the fact that I could be sexually, emotionally, and relationally attracted to men. Because of this, I never allowed myself to act on my feelings towards women. My question to everyone on here is, just because you got burned by a women who was attracted to both men and women does that necessarily mean that all women who have those similar feelings will do the same thing? Would it not be safe to say that its a person by person thing? That perhaps a person who is attracted to both genders simply is just that, they look for the same qualities in a man that they do a woman? In addition to that, is it really that you think they are going to leave you for a man? or is it that you think they will leave you for another person? Couldn't it be equally as possible that a woman could leave a woman for another woman? Isn't it just a personality or monogamy issue and not having to do with orientation at all?

Please tell me what you all think 

Everyone has their own opinions based on who they are, and what they've experienced. I'm sure it's easy for a lesbian whose been through those situations to assume someone who identifies as bisexual cannot be trusted / is confused / will do them wrong. However, it's important that everyone realizes that everyone is their own person. I think in general, we also tend to assume things about others and when we realize they're not the person we thought / they do something we didn't expect, we get hurt. It's also important to learn and get to know a person first, as well as set boundaries (let them know what you're not okay with). I'm not saying that's going to stop people from cheating (there will always be those players and sluts). But at least you'll have an idea what you're getting into beforehand. You're not going to get the same kind of answers / one general answer to these questions, because as said, everyone has their own opinions based on their experiences / beliefs.

Also, I understand where you're coming from with the idea that bc you're into men, you "can't be gay." I was experimenting with women at a young age myself, and although had emotional attachments to guys as a kid, I had sexual attraction to women first. Of course that was before I was using words such as lesbian, gay, straight, etc. However, there are clear differences between bisexual, lesbian, bi-curious. Either you're into both sexes, you're into the same sex only, or you like to play / wanna know what it's like with someone of the same sex. The only person who truly knows your feelings is yourself.

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aconstantino said:

Don't be hesitant as to how you identify yourself. I had the same problem too. If someone is going to judge you or say you are confused, oh well...really.

Right. People can be ignorant in situations / with things they don't understand.

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Dabria said:

I dont think that a person should stick their heart out there and say ok here stomp on it but I do think that as a bisexual person that I have to change who and what i am for either sex. Its not fair that if I am attracted to a Lesbian that I should change being bi to be with her. I am bi but I identify with being mostly gay. And I have been dogged and put down by lesbians because I am not gay enough for them. I think everyone deserves a fair chance at winning someone and not have to worry about being pushed aside because of what we are.

Okay, not to offend anyone here, but I think people go too far / think too much into this. There is no "mostly gay" or "not gay enough." If you have an attraction to both male and female, you are bisexual. Period. You may choose or prefer to date one sex more than the other, but you cannot choose how you feel. That's kind of ignorant for them to say that you're "not gay enough" because you're not gay, you're bisexual. Are they mad bc you like men too? Just bc you also have an attraction for men, does not mean you are less attracted to / or have less feelings for the women you are with.

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AliKat said:

Okay, not to offend anyone here, but I think people go too far / think too much into this. There is no "mostly gay" or "not gay enough." If you have an attraction to both male and female, you are bisexual. Period. You may choose or prefer to date one sex more than the other, but you cannot choose how you feel. That's kind of ignorant for them to say that you're "not gay enough" because you're not gay, you're bisexual. Are they mad bc you like men too? Just bc you also have an attraction for men, does not mean you are less attracted to / or have less feelings for the women you are with.

Just to be clear, for those who identify as pansexual, I am not talking about you here. I am just referring to those who are specifically into men and women only.

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You know, we have a tendency to waaaayyy overthink these things. It's not about changing people or being afraid, or even living in the past. For a lot of people it comes down to commonalities. Plain and simple. There are aspects of our lives that we just prefer to share with someone who has the same perspective. For example, I don't really want to date a vegetarian. Why? Because I LOVE to eat and cook meat.. And I want my partner to be able to relate to that and try all of my new recipes. Some people won't date a republican if they're a democrat. Personally, I don't care about people's political views but that could be a deal breaker for some. Can you imagine dating someone who thought that Donald Trump was the greatest? (JK)The point is, we like having certain things in common with our partners. We like sharing the same perspectives on the things that mean the most to us... And for LESBIANS there's nothing more important than sexual orientation. (It defines us as lesbians). There is something very comforting  about sharing your life with someone who gets you.. Someone who can relate to what you've been through or what you're going through. You can be yourself in that space. We all choose partners based on those commonalities that are most important to us. For many lesbians, being able to identify with what it's like to be solely attracted to/exclusively date women is a beautiful perspective to share.

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