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flirtatious female instructor

First of all, I would like to apologise for the length of this email and for my bad English, but English is not my first language and I really need some advice from someone because I don’t have anyone to talk to about what I will tell you.

So last September, I start my school, since I recently moved here. One day, after classes a female instructor, who had made my speaking placement test, accidently bumped into me, in that moment, I swear to you, It was love at the first sight (second in this case) and I know she felt the same because she became pallid suddenly and I blushed and I was almost fading.

After this day, she started flirting me, as I am shy and quite inexperienced with it I thought that she was being nice, but one week after I started having doubts about my sexuality and obviously if I was having feelings for a woman ( not the platonic ones), I was, at least, bisexual. So, I just avoided her which made her snort every time she passed by me. I started to not avoid her to see what she wanted, again she started flirting and she talked to me once or twice joking with the Halloween stuff behind me, on the wall…but then she stopped; nevertheless, she continued passing by me too close, ignoring me and biting her lips, on de second day, and because I had this feeling that she was pulling me to go and talk to her (you know that feeling when you feel like a prey without any escape, so your solution is to face your predator?!). I went to talk to her in her classroom (I asked her in the morning if I could go to talk to her), I was so nervous and I realised she was too, she kept touching her books and I asked her if she had something to tell me. She told me no. Then I told her why she was looking at me that way, she was making me feel uncomfortable. She just ask me If she had offended me, I told her no…then I just panicked and put my hands in my head and told her “this is the most awkward situation of my life”. She asked me “How can I help you go through this” and then she asked me, not looking at me, and almost whispering “I thought you had something to tell me”. I apologised, she apologised…and for a week we avoid each other.

The week after, and I don’t know why I had this brilliant idea to go and talk to her…I told her “This is all new to me and I really don’t know how to act…I have feelings for you, I like you.” She told me (she was in shock) “I am flattered but I’m heterosexual (all the conversation was in a normal tone but the I’m heterosexual she said whispering), than she asked how would my family react, she told me about her small group of friend where there is this couple who love each other for 10 years but nobody knows about them. She told me that the hadn’t any problem with the fact that I was lesbian there is a lot of people who come out late, she even shook my hand, and that maybe I should search for LGBT associations to meet people and I told her that I wasn’t in search, even if I was being rejected and she also asked If she look at me again, if I wouldn’t turn away…the next day, she passed by me smiling and closing her eyes…but I was so embarrassed with the fact that she tested me with the LGBT associations to find girls that I couldn’t meet etc, that I couldn’t look at her, what made her feel bad and every time she passed by me, after, she was sad and running, as she was embarrassed or ashamed!

The next week, my last 2 weeks of school, she tried to meet me in the corridor because I was always late for classes, and she started saying hi and I replied… so she start the flirting again more intensively but also more mature as she wanted do things calmly, saying “see you later” when she was going home, asking me how was my presentation, etc, …but as I would graduate in a week and because she start ignoring me since the day before but she was strangely sad, I thought to myself, ok maybe I should go talk to her. I went and I told her “I think we should talk, but not here in school” and she told me “I will find a way to contact you” and suddenly she told me “I don’t know I have to think about it, but I’ll let you know on your graduation day. You now my classroom, room XXX” (because there was a lot of students there and obviously I knew where was her classroom) and she gave me a big smile.

On the graduation day, I was late and I miss the meeting, I saw her, she saw me but as we were always with people she didn’t approached me and I didn’t approached her because she was with her students.

So, the next day, I sent her an email using her school email because that is the only contact that I have,


First, I want to apologize for using your college email to contact you, but it's the only way I have to do it.

Yesterday, as you saw, I came late to school due to some embarrassing mischances, so I couldn't meet you in your classroom to know your answer. In addition, I didn't want to bother you, after, because you were talking to your students.

So, I only ask that when you feel it’s right for you to talk to me, let have a fair and honest conversation (and that's just what I want and expect).

I let you my cell # XXXXXXXXX, in case of...

Again I apologize for using this email.

I wish you a great weekend and holidays.


Till now, I had no answer… maybe she didn’t check her email, maybe she saw it and she is making me wait, maybe, maybe…I am getting crazy with doubts, I am scared because for the first time I felt my love was being reciprocated, plus I have this feeling that she is always testing me…I was thinking to go to school and talk to her...I think 3 weeks is enough time to wait...

Some information:

She was not my instructor.

I’m 33 years old and she is 36 or 37 or a bit more!

I just know her from school.

Can you please, with your experience give me some insight, please?

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Hi there. Your English seems awesome. But probably due to the length there, we still kind of lost the plot regarding what the core question was. :)

Well . . . here's an attempt at a summary, correct us if we're wrong.

You were flirting with a straight-identified but seemingly bi-curious teacher. She wasn't the teacher of a class you were taking, just a teacher at your school, so there was limited conflict of interest there. However, it was all terribly confusing because while she told you she was heterosexual on the one hand, you also felt she was actively returning your flirt on the other. So . . . mixed signals.

Then you emailed her. You have not yet received any reply.

And, you're wondering what you should do next?

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Thanks for your answer. Yes, it's pretty much that. However, I am sure she is lesbian, a lipstick lesbian, who just keep her sexual orientation it was always her who was flirting, I am to shy, so I just smiled at her...

Yes, she didn't reply my email...I am still waiting...

And yes I would like to know if you have some advice!

thanks a lot and I sorry for the length again!

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In my experience you should forget about her. Mixed signals are never good, who knows what her personal situation is. She could be married or in a heterosexual relationship. Basically, not a good situation. It sounds like she doesn't know what she wants and that is not the kind of person you want to get into a relationship with.

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In my experience you should forget about her. Mixed signals are never good, who knows what her personal situation is. She could be married or in a heterosexual relationship. Basically, not a good situation. It sounds like she doesn't know what she wants and that is not the kind of person you want to get into a relationship with.

Thank you for your honest advice. I will see...fell lost in all of this!!!

Edited by Korisca

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Looks like Ashleigh91 got to this before us, but mostly, we think what she said. :)

More specifically, if someone you'd like to date tells you they're heterosexual, I think you have to regard that as a red light. A huge, brightly flashing red light.

I think the tendency of many in this situation would be to obsessively muse on WHY she might flirt one way, yet claim she was another. But for most likely reasons, "I'm heterosexual," was probably some form of shorthand for "I feel comfortable flirting with you, but I'm unwilling to consider anything more, at least not right now or for the conceivable future."

Maybe she really does consider herself heterosexual, but gets an ego boost or illicit thrill from flirting with lesbians at her school. (And that might be behavior that we might not consider entirely heterosexual, but she might.) Yet, she has no intentions toward taking any of those flirtations past the flirting stage into any actual dates.

Maybe she's totally not heterosexual and knows that, but is very "in the closet." Maybe the IDEA of a relationship with you was exciting, but the REALITY would be too threatening. It's possible that your association with her work environment aggravates any fears she might have. Sometimes really closeted people do try to date, but keep it all far away from anyone that might know them in their "regular" life. However, they're rarely a good choice for dating. It'd be just one anxiety after another.

Maybe she's already in another relationship with rules that don't allow outside dating. But . . . she didn't feel like telling you that so very specifically. Maybe because it might shut down the flirt that she was enjoying . . . so she decided to be coy or evasive with, "I'm heterosexual."

But ALL of those possibilities are still red lights . . . right?

There could be other possibilities . . . but are any LIKELY to be encouraging?

She could prove us all wrong, of course. It sounds not likely, but anything is possible. But if she wants to do that, she already has your email and can respond anytime she likes . . . right?

Sorry if this is bad news. But worse might be if you didn't try to move on quickly.

Maybe you can just focus on the fun you had flirting with her, and consider that practice for when you meet someone more available.

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I am sorry, but nothing in your statement indicates that this teacher was flirting with you. You said she was flirting, but I only interpret her actions as a teacher who is being nice to you by actually talking to you instead of ignoring you. It may be a cultural difference, but in my opinion, nothing this teacher has done can be considered flirting, It is all in your imagination. The teacher did not respond to your email because you are probably making her uncomfortable now. She sounds like she is friendly with all students, if she was with a group of them at graduation. She is probably just concerned for you because she knows you are discovering your sexuality identity. She made it clear she is heterosexual. She is not responding because it is probably starting to weird her out. Try to make new friends, meet people who identify as gay or bisexual for support during your coming out process.

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ok, i will bite. how do you tell the difference between someone just being nice to you and someone who is flirting with you?

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"Oh hey, nice hair." -being nice
"Your hair is so amazing!" -possibly nice, possibly flirting
"Your hair shimmers like the sunlight on a field of golden wheat" -flirtation.
Also, see how they respond to your response. If they say it and are just acting nonchalant, then they were probably being nice. If they wait to see how you reply, that's more likely to be flirting.

Just my two cents!

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