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Dani28

I'll preface with the request that any typos that I didn't catch be excused.
Since coming back to the site after a lengthy absence, I've had a week or so to read quite a few of the more recent topics and replies. I've noticed a pattern that I honestly don't understand. I've asked for an explanation, but never received any. So, I thought I'd isolate the question in its own thread to see if that would yield some explanation. I first noticed that a fair few bisexual women had some concerns about some lesbians wishing to date other gay women to the exclusion of bisexual women. In some instances, the bisexual women were citing a misconception that they are universally unfaithful or unreliable. Those concerns are totally reasonable, as that is an unfair stereotype. People are individuals with each their own temperament, values, and ethics. I noticed, however, that site moderators had posed an inquiry as to the influx of bi-curious women in relationships with men who were looking to experiment with women, sometimes with others like themselves but often with lesbians, specifically. Now, I know why I - as a lesbian - am specifically seeking a gay partner. And I understand, having dated bisexuals myself in my twenties, why some lesbians would be open to dating bisexuals. I understand why anyone, for that matter, would be open to dating bisexuals. Or lesbians. What I don't understand is why (outside of the unfair assumptions) bisexual women are particularly bothered by some lesbians not being interested in dating bisexual women, when there are so many women, both bisexual and gay, who are open to the possibility of having a bisexual partner. And why lesbians seem to be particularly attractive to non-lesbians. Are those with a tentative toe out of the closet just using the word lesbian to mean "woman who is attracted to women" rather than "gay woman"? Do people assume we're better at the lesbian sex? (Should I break the news? I mean, that's actually true of me; but some other lesbians, not so much.) Why would one or even several lesbians answering flirtation with "You seem lovely, but that's just not what I'm looking for" be upsetting enough for many women to write multiple unhappy posts about it? And given that it seems to be that common an experience for bisexual women, why is there not a phenomenon of bisexuals specifically seeking bisexuals like that of some lesbians specifically dating other lesbians? Help me understand. Why are we the prize?

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Sicca

Dani, I've often wondered the same thing. I'll take it a step further. I've noticed the word "discriminate" being used with a negative connotation, when someone doesn't meet the search criteria of a certain demographic. It's interesting because when it comes to finding a life partner discrimination is key. In many ways discrimination can be shallow but lets face it ... attraction is all about being shallow .. if not we'd all be living happily ever after. I do find it strange that some people are offended when they aren't who someone else is looking for. I truly believe that there's a lid for every pot. (I stole that line from a witty lezzy on this site).

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Dani28

So much "amen" to everything you just said. I discriminate between women who have hair all over their heads (both sides) and those who are rockin the Ruby Rose but hard. It's cute. I get it. It's doesn't blow my skirt up. When I was twenty, it would have been all about that look; but I'll be 37 on Monday, and I'm helpless in the face of a woman with all of her hair, who conquers the world in scrubs or a tailored suit. That's not bigotry against the young and hip any more than my preference for taller women or women at all means that I hate short people and men. I just know exactly who I am and what I need in a mate. I also know that my tastes are personal and not the universal bar. If someone isn't right for me, of course it's because of who I am and who she is - that doesn't mean there's something wrong with her (or me). It just means that we aren't right for each other, romantically. I don't get this new expectation that everyone's romantic puzzle pieces are flat squares and each should go with any other. And I still don't understand the fixation on lesbians. Are the bi-folk romanticizing us? Because, if that's the case, it's misplaced. We're not any more exciting than they are. My great endeavors, at present, are finishing my book while paying the bills writing resumes, and crossing my fingers that the summer heat won't wilt my pumpkin patch so that I can dork out Martha Stewart like, come fall. It's not flashy. I just hope it's sexy to somebody. But I digress.
Thank you for your response. It's nice to know I wasn't the only one scratching her head about this one.

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Sicca

Hi Dani. I don't think bisexuals are romanticizing lesbians or that they beleive that the grass is greener with lesbians.They just think that discriminating against a woman who loves women, solely because she is also attracted to men is pretty silly and predudicial. And I agree, it is both of those things ... But so is dismissing someone because of their height, shape, or anything that has nothing to do with who she is inside. I'm with you, I can't date a short woman. I'm almost 5'8 and I just feel more comfortable with someone around my height. Also, it's kinda cool when all of the parts line up. I can't tell you how many really great women I've passed on, just due to height. I'm not proud of that nor am I ashamed to admit it. There's no accounting for preferences. I just wish that people would admit that most of our search criteria is as deep as a puddle. We're all brain washed in regards to beauty and compatibility. I don't recall being asked by the site, whether I'd every cheated on someone or hit a lover.... Stuff that really matters. Why??? Because we care more about whether someone identifies as butch or femme.. What their physical dementions are.. What type of job they have etc. A person's personality is only explored After these other factors meet someone's approval. We all do it... So nobody's a victim of the dating game.

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Candy3282

As a bisexual woman, I've noticed it too. I honestly find it weird, especially when bisexual people have their own unique preferences most of the time. For example my preferred type of woman is nerdy and weird like I am, she also has never had and doesn't plan to have a vagina. I'm not closed to potentially dating other types of women or even being friends with them. I just know what I am most attracted to.  This is perfectly fine. Everyone is entitled to be with someone who they can feel comfortable with. I personally have a harder time as a bisexual woman than some others. I'm plus size, prefer non op trans women, am into things like anime, the list goes on. The amount of women interested in being more than friends with me that I can see myself with is staggeringly low. I haven't even been on a date with a woman in over a year. That doesn't mean I nor any one else should have to change their preferences or be expected to.  It also doesn't make sense to me that other bisexual individuals don't seem to be open to dating other bisexual individuals. Lesbians aren't so special that every bisexual female identifying person has to date only pure lesbians if they date a female identifying individual and they are female.  If it's that important to be with the same sex/gender only if they aren't attracted to the opposite maybe you should try dating exclusively those that only want to date the same sex/gender. Just my opinion.

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Sicca

Candy, I'm still trying to wrap my head around your preferences. LOL. Please correct me if I'm off track here. You are a gender fluidcis woman who prefers to date cis men who identify as transgender??? However, you will date a cis woman if that's your only option... But the vagina is not on your "to do" list. Interesting. I dated an inter-sex woman once. Above the waiste beautiful woman, below the waiste beautiful man. I loved that combination but finding that combination again is next to impossible. So now my preference is a pretty woman with lots of masculine energy.

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Geekomatic

I'm trying to understand, a) why being left by one gender over another is worse than the other and, b) how the conversation seems less about dating (and the thrill, hope and love) and more about dating and the seemingly inevitable end? Kind of a bummer...

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Sicca

Geekomatic, you're right. We should be spending more time discussing the joys of dating. That would be a fun thread to read. 

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Dani28
Candy3282 said:

  If it's that important to be with the same sex/gender only if they aren't attracted to the opposite maybe you should try dating exclusively those that only want to date the same sex/gender.

Thanks Candy, all good points; and that last is what has me puzzled. I get why lesbians would make that choice; I'm totally befuddled about why bisexuals would. Bisexuals are, themselves, attracted to both genders. That's a life experience that it seems there would be benefits to sharing and understanding. So, why would it be important to some bisexuals to date only people of their gender who aren't attracted to the opposite gender? I'm really curious; and maybe the answer will prove anticlimactic, but I want to know anyway. :D

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Dani28
Geekomatic said:

I'm trying to understand, a) why being left by one gender over another is worse than the other and, b) how the conversation seems less about dating (and the thrill, hope and love) and more about dating and the seemingly inevitable end? Kind of a bummer...

I'm not sure what you mean; but if you can flesh out that thought (specifically, thought a, which I think would help clarify thought b), we can totally discuss. I reread the thread and nobody mentioned being left or relationships ending, so I want to understand what you mean.

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Sammy Lynne
Dani28 said:

I noticed, however, that site moderators had posed an inquiry as to the influx of bi-curious women in relationships with men who were looking to experiment with women, sometimes with others like themselves but often with lesbians, specifically.

It seems that those who have stated this preference are unwilling to explain it. Having never had any attraction to men at all (outside of recognizing beauty when I see it), I can't speak on behalf of bisexual women, but I have experienced one possible explanation.

It comes down to the men that they are already in a relationship with. I dated a bisexual woman once who, unbeknownst to me at the time, had a husband at home. I ended that relationship as soon as I found out about him ( I'm a monogamist - diehard and unapologetic).

While trying to convince me that we should not break up, she explained that it was okay for us to be together because her husband didn't mind. Her husband didn't mind because : a) I'm not a man, and b) there was no chance of another man ever being involved.

Another man means she's cheating. A woman? Apparently that doesn't mean anything.

I guess it never occurred to her that I might mind. Or that it might mean something to me.

If the bisexual in question is not already involved with a man, perhaps she uses that same logic just in case a man she's interested in happens along. If the men she usually dates are not threatened by women, and the women she usually dates are not interested in men, then she will always be the center of attention. Just a thought. 

And if she's a monogamist? Then I got nothing. I'm afraid it doesn't make sense to me either in that case. If you don't want to date someone like you, then what makes you think anybody else would want to?

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lesbotronic

"Should (would/could) lesbians date bisexual women?" (click here)

Currently, essentially this same board discussion topic exists in several different threads, this being one of them peripherally.  Since we think this duplication is too confusing for anyone new, we're finding the duplicates, posting this link on all of those, then herding future discussion on this topic there as well.  

So again, if you do want to comment on, "Should (would/could) lesbians date bisexual women?" you still can, but you should click that link above and continue THERE instead.

Future comments specific to "The Lesbian Allure" can continue HERE, thanks!

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