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How Common and Simple is Compatibility?


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I wonder sometimes if it is possible that actually, most couplings are compatible given gender preferences are met. The largest barrier that might need to be surmounted to reach that state might be tolerance and appreciation of difference. I wonder if only we had that, we could get along and fulfill each other with close relationships. 

This line of thinking comes to me at a point where I am meeting a few women whose behaviors and opinions are not what I would consider admirable. One woman in particular seems to have traits that are less than appealing to me. A notable turnoff to me is she seems to be addicted to gaming. She spends all her free time playing games which seems excessive and wasteful to me. She is also a decent programmer but doesn't pay attention to latest trends and opinions to the point where she thinks Python is a suitable language for almost any application, including developing games. She says she doesn't choose sides because she is "flexible" but I'd like to say it's because she is so involved in her gaming that she doesn't take the time to read the news or keep up with current events. I wonder if it's more like ignorance to the sides that she can't choose a side.

Despite my dislike for some aspects of her personality, maybe we are compatible if I can appreciate her perspective and differences from me. In turn, if she can tolerate my tendency to choose sides and jump to conclusions quickly, then is it enough for us to get along and develop a relationship? Maybe she really is flexible and what does it matter? Who cares if she thinks Python is the default, go-to language and doesn't believe using classes is very useful. It doesn't stop us from spending time together and helping each other out. 

So I come back to my original question. Is compatibility actually easy and common to obtain between two women who are attracted to women, and the barriers to that conquered by tolerance and appreciation? Or is more common for there to be obstacles so great that compatibility is difficult just because two people have irreconcilable differences?

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This sounds as if you are trying to decide whether or not you are being too picky (?). Like, perhaps you are leaning towards the idea of settling for whatever you can get vs. waiting for what you really want. If that's the case - please do not do that to yourself.  I've been there, and I can tell you unequivocally that that will absolutely end badly.

Tolerance and appreciation are necessary ingredients for all relationships - that much I believe to be true. If you're talking about compatibility with respect to friendships only, that's enough. If you're talking about compatibility with respect to a life partner, I don't think it is enough. At least, I know it's not for me. Compatibility means more than just tolerance and appreciation. It's respect, love, understanding, compromise, joy and sorrow all rolled into a complicated little ball that is felt more than rationalized. Irreconcilable differences are just that - irreconcilable. There really isn't room for them in this equation because you can't build a solid relationship on top of an unstable foundation.

I'm a relatively easy person to get along with, even when we have agreed to disagree on certain subjects, but I'm a difficult person to live with. I don't have to be told this to know that it's true. Still, I know in my heart, that the right woman for me won't think so - at least not most of the time. I also find it difficult to spend too much time around people who annoy me (which is most people if the meeting goes on long enough), but I believe that the woman for me will be easy to be around. No matter how much time passes.

So, to answer your question -" Is compatibility actually easy and common to obtain between two women who are attracted to women"  Easy? Yes, I believe so. Common? I think not, but that's what makes it so special when you do find it.


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  • 2 months later...

I'm currently visiting a friend right now. We had even entertained the possibility of cohabitating (NOT romantically-I'm ace and aro and currently in a significant relationship with my whippet, lol.) But this stay has tested our friendship a bit and showed us both that, while we are very good friends, we are NOT compatible living mates, at least for anything more than a week. Indeed, I now feel more comfortable than ever in my knowledge that I do not wish to share living space with another human, no matter how tolerant or easy-going he/she/they might be. I'm a solitary soul who likes my routines and having my things just so and my freedom to do and come and go as I wish. Now, when I return home to civilization-soon, soon, please!-I AM going to endeavour to expand my repetoire a bit and start inviting some people over for early dinner (and they will get to eat food they've never had before, lol). Which means I'll have to buy a dining set and perhaps a loveseat, so people will have a place to sit when they visit. Oh, the costs of being social! ;)

To get back to your question, I've come to believe that compatiblity is in fact a rare animal. I've listened to V talk about her past relationships and her friends discuss THEIR relationships and horrible exes. I've contemplated MY relationships. By and large, the group of us are all sane, high-functioning, educated women. Yet NONE of us could say we have a good relationship, except for me, who was happy with my dog. Everyone in the group had been targeted by women who had more or less preyed upon them for financial reasons. Yet they endured these disasterous relationships b/c they thought they were "compatible". And I wondered WHAT would make a psychiatrist from Puerto Rico think she was compatible, for example, with a woman who was not educated, overtly racist, didn't like her kids, and belittled her? I've seen this pattern repeated. So what defines capitibility is mystifying to me. I would think it involves mutual respect, trust, honor, and caring. But I now speak from a position of hard-won self-worth. I lived with a butch for 7 years that belittled everything that hy initially claimed attracted hym to me: my education; my background; my culture; my politics; my job; etc. By the end of the relationship, I was walking on eggshells scared to even read a book at home. So, compatibility....Idk. What people SAY and whay people DO are sometimes very different, especially once they get into a relationship. She might SAY she wants X, Y, and Z or likes X, Y, Z....but watch how she acts and how she treats you and others. Words are important, but they must be coupled with and matched by actions.


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  • 6 years later...

One aspect of compatibility is determining whether or not our crazy meshes with the other person's crazy.  Personally, i haven't reached this age without acquiring my share of quirks and insanities.  An example of matching this is how neurodivergent folks tend to gather with each other.  While it is not imperative that we share each and every interest of our mate(s), sharing some does help.  For the aspects that are not shared, tolerance is a nice trait, otherwise it leads to feelings of guilt and resentment.  

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