Jump to content

Have you remained friends with your exes?  

63 members have voted

  1. 1. Have you remained friends with your exes?

    • I would intentionally avoid remaining friends with an ex.
      7
    • I'm theoretically open to friendship with an ex, but haven't remained friends thus far.
      19
    • I've remained friends with one or two exes, but not most.
      25
    • I've remained friends with roughly half of my exes.
      3
    • I've remained friends with most of my exes.
      7
    • I've remained friends with almost all of my exes.
      2


Recommended Posts

lesbotronic

A freelance reporter emailed us today asking if the stereotype that lesbians remain friends with all their exes is actually true.

We don't actually know!

Well.  We have spoken with quite a few lesbians that have remained friends with some subset of their exes, this is definitely true.  But as to whether or not lesbians and/or female IDd folks that love women tend to remain friends with a larger percentage of their female exes than any other demographic group, based either on orientation or gender or both . . . don't really know.

It was suggested that it may be in the best interest of lesbians who live in smaller towns with smaller lesbian communities to remain at least friendLY with exes . . . as they may be running into them much more often than they'd prefer otherwise . . . more so than many other demographic groups, anyway.  But to whatever extent that's actually true, friendLY and/or just politely tolerating someone's presence whenever you run into them inadvertently probably isn't the same stuff as actual friendship for most.

Since it tends to be the case if we fail to define the terms for a question, we get requests for definitions . . . let's say WE define "ex" as someone with whom you had some sort of actual defined relationship, such that there was an actual beginning and an end that required "breaking up."  So if it was a strictly casual, "friends with benefits" situation that eventually just lost momentum, maybe not them.  However, you're also allowed to define "ex" for yourself differently, if you'd like.

And let's say WE define "friend" as someone with whom you'd actually choose to spend some time.  Not necessarily the same amount of time you spent during the romantic part of the relationship, and not necessarily just the two of you on your own for any extended period, but more than just a brief conversation if you ran into them someplace.  But again, you're allowed to define "friend" for yourself differently, if you'd like.

And we know we said "remaining" or "remained" friends in the poll, as if there was no cooling off period.  Let's say if you're friends with an ex now, no matter how long it took y'all to get there, it can count for the poll.

No, we didn't actually include, "I've remained friends with 100% of my exes" as a poll option, because in our experience, there's usually at least that ONE person who will be the exception to that overall pattern, even for those that tend to remain friends.  You may have choice words for that ONE person that you don't have for many or most of your other exes. ;)  

So we decided "almost all" was close enough to absolutely, 100% all.  But if you disagree, feel free to say so.

And as always for polls, it's more interesting for everyone if you both vote then share a bit about why you answered the way you did.  :)

Share this post


Link to post
IsabellaJ

There is actually some research on this, but it's a few years old. I would say this is definitely true for older dykes, maybe not so much for younger queer women.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Carlo Wangui

My partner and I were reading and talking about this just the other day. The article we read  blatantly called people who remain friends with their exes 'psychopaths' and 'narcissists'. The writer explained that it was scientifically proven that there is nothing genuine about remaining friends with your exes. Some people do it as a form of keeping their exes on a leash, to get something (financial, material, sex) from the ex maybe. But like you said, our community is large and and small depending on how you look at it. It is healthy to keep a somewhat 'friendly' relationship. Maybe the term would be 'cordial' or simply 'acquaintances'.

To be honest, the only reason id want to be friends with my ex is if there's chemistry i'm probably holding on to, or because we were truly friends before we were lovers.

okay enough with my rumblings.. :-) <3 

  • Like 4

Share this post


Link to post
Ren85

I have not remained friends with any of them. I did want to remain friends with my last girlfriend, but she didn't want to. I probably partially wanted that due to still having feelings, but I predominantly wanted that because I almost never find people like her, especially since I completely finished school. I like intellectual conversations, and I'm never around people who can have those kinds of conversations anymore. And nowadays when you find people who like to talk about social/political issues, you can forget about the conversation not devolving into someone getting offended/their feelings hurt and still liking you when the conversation is over, which is the issue I have with the people I find online. It essentially necessitates finding people who think almost exactly like you do, unfortunately, or who see differing ideas as a learning experience ONLY, and for me that was her. I literally offend everyone else. She is the only ex I wanted to keep as a friend.

I might be incorrect, but...I don't know that there are that many lesbians in small towns with their exes also being there. When you live in smaller towns, it's harder as a lesbian to find someone there to date in the first place. I've noticed a lot of lesbians meet their girlfriends online and many don't even live in the same area. But when you don't live near your ex, it's easier to cut them out of your life, which is basically what my last girlfriend told me--she basically said something to the effect of she'd have a harder time ending absolutely everything with me if I lived near her (I think just meaning it's easier to act on certain temptations with the person being nearby, and not just sexual ones). Because more and more lesbians are meeting their girlfriends online and having long-distance relationships, it might be becoming less and less true that lesbians remain friends with their exes. But, yeah, if you live somewhere with a strong lesbian community where most of them know each other and/or your ex is still part of your overall friend group, then I can see remaining friends being more common.

  • Like 4

Share this post


Link to post
Geekomatic

The only ex I'm still friends with is my best friend from my childhood. I think because she & I were friends for years before getting together, that is the tie-that-binds.

The rest, one just sort of faded away & I lost touch, one is a total arse, the last is a personality-disordered narcissist who attacked my young son & then tried to get us deported.

Being single sure helps keep the drama away!

;)

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
LizzieLou

As someone who has trouble maintaining engaged friendships with friends due to obligations of work and home, I'm not even sure how to answer the poll because it all seems hypothetical! I need a caveat like: "If and when I am able to do so... (I can stay friends with my exes)." Probably if I hadn't moved across the country from all of them, I think we would have mostly stayed friends.

Except for the Crazy One.

The First Real One I feel close to still and we're in touch kinda regularly. (There was a dramatic/traumatic period - but we were in our 20's.) Come to think of it, we were friends in the same group of friends first. Re: the others, not so much -- distance, things in common (to start with), inertia. I mean, there are reasons why it didn't work out, right? I guess I'm agreeing with the posters above in that friends-before seems more likely to be friends-after. 

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
keltheimpossible

One ex I remained friends with but lost due to death. One I avoided like the plague b/c hy stalked me across 3 states. The last one I kept in touch with until hys toxic mother interfered. This lead to my resolution to never get involved with anyone who has mother issues, even on a friendly basis. This has served me well, actually, and kept me out of unneccessary drama. 

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Amyspider

My husband and I met as teenagers so we've been in each other's lives longer than we haven't.  For a variety of reasons we've chosen to stay living together as 100% platonic roommates and co-parents to our young child.

Share this post


Link to post
Mandii Beth

I have a couple exes who I still get along with and have hung out with on multiple occasions since breaking up. These are the ones where for one reason or another we work better as friends than we do as a couple, no hard feelings. Also I have remained 100% platonic roommates with the father of my children. We co parent peacefully and it works for us to stay in the same apartment but not in a relationship. I like women and he has personal issues to work on before he can fully commit to any sort of romantic relationship. 

Share this post


Link to post
Meegssa

I think its always a tough one and very dependant on how it ended, how long you were together and if you considered yourself more on the best friends side and can't imagine not having your go to person in your life. I've only been able to keep one of my ex's as a friend, mainly because we have a no judgement rule, no matter how crazy it was we talk each other through it. The definition of the best friend I could have ever asked for! 

Share this post


Link to post
Emet

Hello all,

On the topic of remaining friends after splitting up. I guess in an ideal world the motion to keep a freindship sounds positive. But also in my opinion the relstionship dynamics will take their toll. Why did the couple split in the first place has got to be a contributing factor.

My last relationship I found it impossible to be so.

what are other peoples experiences ?

Share this post


Link to post
Francesonly

I have one ex I'm still on talking terms with and we dog sit for each other. I don't know that I'd consider us friendly, more like civil towards each other. I have another ex from my teenage years that would probably be a friend, but we lost touch when she returned to the UK. As for the rest, we broke up for a reason and I'm of the opinion it's best to let sleeping dogs lie. Because it hasn't worked out for me when I tried to resume a relationship with an old flame before.

I've also lived in rural communities and found that it was necessary to be more tolerant of others. Because if you have a big fight with them today, you're still going to see them later at the grocery, the movie theatre, the doctor's office, etc. My heart goes out to women isolated in small communities: it's a tough go!

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

×
×
  • Create New...