logical boo-boos the polyamorous should avoid

male/female couples looking for a bisexual woman to join them

I want to be poly, but I DON'T want the person I’m seeking to be poly TOO.

We're a couple (dating each other already) seeking another woman to date the both of us, but she shouldn't be dating anyone else. We haven't even met this woman yet, much less become serious. But right here at the outset before the first date, she should probably promise she's not dating anyone else now nor will she in the future unless we break up with her. Her being the woman we haven't even met yet.

I am allowed to sleep with someone else (almost ALWAYS a man), but she should not at all. I have a boyfriend/husband but she should not have one of her own too, just me and mine only.

Just MEEEEE can be poly. Not her! Just MEEEEE.

Otherwise known as "Male/Female Couples Looking for the Elusive 'Hot Bisexual Babe' to Join Them" and why they more often than not find it extremely difficult to succeed with a bisexual woman. We're now linking out for some of this explanation, please read that article.

Here's another relevant article, relevant section further on down the page under "Common Pitfalls and Difficult Situations," the "Hot Bi Babe Syndrome."

Specifically, "HBB syndrome is the tongue-in-cheek name applied to M/F couples who are looking for a bisexual woman to form a triad. Often these couples will not date individually, insist on a closed situation from the outset, and fail to treat any women they date with respect. Also, there are a lot more M/F couples looking for bisexual women than bisexual women looking for M/F couples, though the latter do exist. The bad history of such couples and relative scarcity of prospects means that being such an M/F couple is difficult. If you are in such a couple: date individually, start with open arrangements, be respectful and flexible, and understand that you will likely be frustrated despite all this."

And then all those folks referenced above said that stuff WAY better than we could have. Which is totally gratifying to us because:

1. We like having a "backup" opinion to point to, like, not just us that says this, IT AIN'T JUST US and

2. EVERYTHING THEY SAID has been observed times ten on our site.

Usually lesbians don’t trouble us with this nonsense. (And for that, we’re eternally grateful. It gives us faith in our tribe.)

But somehow, when you introduce that one heterosexual male - social courtesy, basic manners, and just plain common sense seem much more likely to get tossed right out the window.

Yes, our search options dictate that if you are polyamorous and/or non-monogamous already and would also like to date someone new, you should be open to another person that is also similar. This would seem to be TOTALLY COMMONSENSICAL.

HOWEVER.

We’ve had a few complaints from women that are ALREADY involved with men. Those couples collectively want another woman to join them, but imagine that entirely UNLIKE themselves, the woman in question should NOT be even casually dating anyone else currently.

You see, they want her to already identify as bisexual or seriously bicurious, open to the idea of polyamory, and even open to the idea of dating a preexistent couple (which can be a challenging and complex dynamic to step into as a third party, definitely not Relationships 101), but totally celibate OTHERWISE and CURRENTLY.

So this hot bisexual chick they seek should very open-minded and sexually sophisticated, but despite all of that . . . not really interacting with anyone else at all . . . seemingly with her social life on pause . . . totally refraining from doing the same sort of stuff the couple is already currently doing . . . really, just waiting for this particular couple and absolutely nobody else in the meantime to come scoop her up.

Even though she doesn't even know them yet!

And . . . they’d like that at the outset. For her to promise to them that she is not currently dating anyone else and won't even consider dating anyone else while she's dating them. You know, even before everyone has a chance to get to know each other. Probably over the internet, before even their first in-person meeting.

(If this sounds realistic to you, well . . . you might need some sort of checkup.)

OK, little more here. What’s good for the goose is good for the gander. Polyamory/nonmonogamy applies to all parties in the relationship, not just you. This is especially true in any online personals situation.

If a relationship is to be monogamous, then it's monogamous. If it's NOT, then it's NOT for EVERYONE INVOLVED.

Do you already have a girlfriend/partner/polyamorous secondary/husband/boyfriend/maintenance man . . . what have you? Then whoever you're looking for can as well. Same goes for any other category we failed to mention there. You got one? Then so can whoever you're looking to meet, at least until such a time may transpire that everyone involved decides to do something else. And such a time would only happen much later in your collective relationship.

If your profile makes it clear you don't agree, it will only inspire mass giggling or mass gagging from your intended audience.

Still not getting it?

Well, let’s backtrack a bit. Pretend you're single, and then also try to lose a few sexist assumptions?

When you're just starting out in any dating relationship, at the very beginning, before any sort of important bonding has transpired, it's generally assumed that all parties may currently be dating others and/or are free to continue dating others. No one has made up their mind or could realistically be expected to make up their mind regarding any longer-term commitment(s) to anyone at all BEFORE you've really even begun dating.

Did you and your husband get married after your first date? (OK, maybe you did, but that's not the way most people conduct their social lives, and for good reason.)

At the very beginning of any relationship, nothing regarding exclusivity is expected nor required. At least, not in most Western countries.

You go on a first date with somebody? They're NOT NECESSARILY only dating YOU and no one but you.

THEY COULD BE SEEING OTHER PEOPLE TOO. JUST LIKE YOU ARE.

After the first date and then for some time afterward, if you are currently in a dating/romance/sexual relationship with another person, then so shall it also be allowed that the person you might date can also do so as well.

Because to suggest otherwise would be hypocritical and socially stupid to the point of BEING TOTALLY INSULTING TO ANY WOMAN YOU MIGHT DATE. You and your husband do not and should not somehow expect to have more social privileges than any woman you might expect to date.

To put this yet again, if YOU are in another romantic/sexual relationship, then it's also allowed that anyone you might date CAN BE AS WELL. And the fact that you are a HETEROSEXUAL COUPLE doesn't change this.

Gah, that was tiring. Hopefully that did it already, sheesh.

lesbians open to polyamorous relationships, possibly including bisexual women

So, the lesbians haven't bothered us with the faulty-to-the-point-of-causing-severe-social-dysfunction assumption above. And that's very cool.

However, there has been one significant glitch quite a few have written in about, we're afraid.

I’m a lesbian, and I put on my profile that I’m open to dating polyamorously AND I’m open to dating bisexual women. But I’m certainly NOT open to dating women who currently have boyfriends or husbands!! I would NEVER date a woman who was also sleeping with a man! I just don't find THAT appealing at ALL! So why in the world am I getting women like that in my search results?

(Are you able to identify the logical boo-boo here? Take a second or several if you need it.)

. . .

Bing! Time's up! You got it . . . right?

If your search options allow women that are bisexual AND women that are interested in dating polyamorously (because you said you were open to polyamory too), some of the women in your search results will be actively bisexual and polyamorous. Meaning, at the same time. SIMULTANEOUSLY.

Because . . . that only stands to reason, right? If a woman is bisexual AND polyamorous (and she's looking for new love in the personals), she's either dating a man right now, or she can reasonably be expected to do just that in the not distant future. Because . . . she said that in her profile, for you and all the other lesbians to see.

She said that. Already.

And then YOU said via your own search options that that was fine by you, or else you wouldn't have seen her in your search results at all?

OK, so I'm absolutely a lesbian and non-monogamous and I'm willing to be JUST A BIT open-minded in terms of dating a bisexual woman as long she does not in any way at all CURRENTLY have a boyfriend or husband . . . OR I'll date any totally lesbian woman but SHE can date as many other women as she wants, because she's also a lesbian like me. How do I do that?

Well. Um . . .

Basically, I'm a dyke and I’m only willing to do poly with chicks that are NOT currently sleeping with any biological males. I don't care exactly how they identify because I’m totally OK with poly with a bisexual or whatever chick who identifies as whatever the hell she cares to identify as and who is also poly as long as she’s not ALSO with a biological male right NOW. Can’t you work THAT into the search criteria?

Sigh.

While it's certainly not our goal to disrespect the preferences or dating goals of many of our lesbian subscribers . . . still, we're sorry, but NO to both of the above.

This is just WAAAAAY too tangled a web for us to even try to weave for you. And if you'll examine some of your own knee-jerk responses here and now, we imagine you'll find that a little self-examination and realistic expectation recalibration is helpful for your OWN future dating scenarios.

A woman who is both poly and bi may not have a heterosexual male in her life romantically and/or sexually . . . NOW (did you note the emphasis on the word NOW?), but she likely will at some point in the not-terribly-distant future.

If you’re not OK with a current reality . . . should you imagine you'll be OK with a future probability?

It might be NOW, or it might be LATER, but it’s unlikely to ever go away ENTIRELY. To expect otherwise is almost always going to be unrealistic and upsetting, eventually. Either you’re OK with the idea that a woman you could be with is also going to be dating men . . . or . . . you’re not.

There’s a decision to be made there, and you should probably just go ahead and make it.

You should make that decision based on her sexual orientation and future plans related to that, not the current set of “dance partners” she has at any given moment. Figuring out your feelings around that is better NOW, rather than later. You should decide upfront if you’re open to poly and bi in a CURRENT sense, and then choose accordingly.

Philosophically speaking, polyamory means you are open to expressing your own sexuality outside an exclusively “primary" relationship AND you are open to your partners doing so as well. Not merely theoretically, but currently and actively.

If you are a lesbian and poly, that essentially means you think YOU should date whomever YOU might need to date as the full and complete expression of your own sexuality would dictate. YOU get to do that. For lesbians, that means other women only.

But then if you hook up with a bisexual woman, she should confine HER sexuality? Meaning, because YOU are a lesbian, your bisexual female partner should NOT date men? The complementary and socially equivalently full and complete expression of HER sexuality would also dictate that she should. If YOU get to date others as the full and complete expression of your own sexuality would dictate, she should too, and for a bisexual woman, that means also dating men.

So . . . philosophically speaking, you’ve got no leg to stand on there.

Freeness and openness within a relationship has to extend to BOTH partners, not just to one or the other. What’s good for the goose is also good for the gander. Or both geese. Both gooses? Both ganders? Whatever. If you don’t have the point by now . . . we’re losing hope. Hopefully you got it already and we’re now virtually patting you on the back.

In summary, lesbians everywhere should decide if:

1. bisexual women are OK to for me to date (yes/no)

2. polyamorous women are OK for me to date (yes/no)

. . . then construct their search options accordingly, and then FULLY understand that if you pick yes on both that poly bi women also date men.

'Cause, that's what they do, folks!

And then after you make your choices, no whining.

(At least, not to us. The End.)

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